Hey there, welcome to Week 9 of Your Healing Journey! Last week, we explored the submit response. This week, we’ll focus on the attach/cry response, which I like to call "The Connector."
I’m Monica Bergnes, a trauma therapist based in New York City. My goal is to provide you with practical tools and a friendly, down-to-earth approach to understanding and overcoming trauma. In this series, "You Make Sense: A Practical Guide to Understanding and Overcoming Trauma," we'll journey together through the complexities of trauma and healing.
Recognizing the Attach/Cry Response
Signs and Symptoms
The attach/cry response, or "The Connector," seeks safety through connection with others. Signs of this response can include:
- Seeking reassurance or comfort
- Clinging to loved ones
- Fear of abandonment
- Strong emotional reactions when separated from others
The Role of Seeking Comfort and Support
Seeking comfort and support is a natural protective mechanism. It is your brain’s way of trying to ensure safety by maintaining close connections with others.
Making Sense of the Attach/Cry Response
Adaptive Reactions
The attach/cry response is an adaptive reaction that makes sense in the context of survival. As infants, our primary way to ensure safety and survival is through attachment to caregivers. Understanding this can help you see your need for reassurance and connection in a new light.
Humans, unlike many other animals, are born highly dependent and require the care and protection of adults to survive. This dependency means that forming strong bonds with caregivers is not just beneficial but crucial for survival. Our brains are wired to seek and maintain these connections as a primary strategy for staying safe.
The attach/cry response is often the first trauma defense response we develop. In infancy, crying out for a caregiver is a way to ensure that our needs are met, whether those needs are for food, comfort, or protection from harm. This instinctive behavior is foundational for human development and continues to play a significant role throughout our lives.
Befriending the Connector
Self-Compassion and Acceptance
It's essential to approach all parts of yourself, including The Connector, with self-compassion. Recognizing the strength in each part and extending compassion to them is key to befriending them. This approach can ease tension and help these parts become less reactive and triggered.
We don’t want to get rid of these parts, as they play critical roles in moments of real threat. You need an attach/cry response, just as you need the other defense responses. The goal is to help these parts discern real threats from triggers, allowing them to be responsive when genuinely needed.
Strategies for Managing the Attach/Cry Response
1. Identify Triggers:
- Recognize situations or people that trigger your attach/cry response. Keep a journal to track these triggers. Understanding your triggers can help you anticipate and manage your responses better.
2. Self-Soothe Techniques:
- Use self-soothing techniques to calm yourself when you feel the attach/cry response kicking in. Techniques such as deep breathing, listening to calming music, or engaging in a relaxing activity can help you self-soothe.
3. Build Healthy Relationships:
- Focus on building and maintaining healthy relationships that provide the support you need. Setting boundaries and communicating your needs clearly are crucial for fostering supportive connections.
4. Seek Professional Help:
- Consider therapy to explore underlying causes of the attach/cry response and learn additional coping strategies. A therapist can guide you through understanding and managing this response effectively.
Practical Exercise: Managing the Attach/Cry Response
1. Self-Soothing Techniques:
- Practice self-soothing techniques such as deep breathing, listening to calming music, or engaging in a relaxing activity. Regular practice can help you develop a toolkit for managing distress.
2. Healthy Relationship Building:
- Identify key relationships in your life and make an effort to nurture them. Set boundaries and communicate your needs clearly to foster supportive connections.
3. Reflect and Journal:
- Reflect on instances when you felt the attach/cry response. Write about your triggers and how you managed or could manage them differently. Journaling can provide valuable insights into your patterns and help you develop better coping strategies.
Reflection Questions
1. What situations or people commonly trigger your attach/cry response? Reflect on specific instances and consider keeping a journal to track these triggers.
2. How do you typically react when you feel the attach/cry response? Notice any physical, emotional, or behavioral signs.
3. What strategies have you found helpful in managing your attach/cry response? Think about techniques like self-soothing, building healthy relationships, or seeking support.
Working with Me
If you’re struggling with feelings of abandonment or excessive need for reassurance, I can help. As a trauma therapist specializing in EMDR, I work with clients to understand and manage their attach/cry response effectively. Together, we can develop strategies to help you build healthier relationships and improve your emotional resilience. Contact me to schedule a session and start working towards a more balanced and peaceful life.
What’s Next?
Next week, we’ll start exploring practical tools for healing, including heart rate variability training and other grounding techniques.
Thank you for being here and for taking this important step. Remember, healing is a journey, and you know the way. Trust yourself.
Warmly,
Monica
Disclaimer: The information provided in this newsletter is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult your healthcare provider before making any decisions regarding your mental health. Reading this newsletter does not establish a therapeutic relationship.
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