Hey there, welcome to Week 8 of Your Healing Journey! Last week, we dove into the freeze response. This week, we’re shining the spotlight on the submit response, or as I like to call it, "The Peacemaker."
I’m Monica Bergnes, a trauma therapist based in New York City. My goal is to provide you with practical tools and a friendly, down-to-earth approach to understanding and overcoming trauma. In this series, "You Make Sense: A Practical Guide to Understanding and Overcoming Trauma," we're journeying together through the intricacies of trauma and healing.
Recognizing the Submit Response
Signs and Symptoms
The submit response, or "The Peacemaker," is all about yielding to a threat to avoid further harm. It’s a survival mechanism deeply embedded in our biology. Signs of this response can include:
- Compliance or submission
- People-pleasing behaviors
- Difficulty asserting yourself
- Fear of conflict or saying no
The Science Behind the Submit Response
Our brains are wired for survival, and the submit response is one of the many ways our nervous system keeps us safe. This response is mediated by the parasympathetic nervous system, which can trigger a state of immobility or passive compliance. It’s your brain’s way of saying, “Let’s keep things calm and avoid danger.”
When we encounter a threat, the amygdala—our brain’s alarm system—kicks into high gear. If fighting or fleeing isn’t an option, the amygdala sends signals to submit, to minimize conflict and potential harm. This reaction can be traced back to our evolutionary past, where submission could mean the difference between life and death in dangerous situations.
Guilt and the Submit Response
Trauma survivors who managed to survive because of the submit response often feel guilt, as if this trauma defense response suggests that the trauma was not unwanted or was somehow deserved. This kind of guilt, known as trauma-related guilt, is common among survivors and can significantly impact mental health, contributing to conditions like PTSD .
Understanding Guilt in Context
It’s crucial to understand that the submit response is an automatic survival mechanism. When faced with overwhelming danger, your body did what it needed to do to keep you safe. This does not mean you consented to or deserved the traumatic event. It means your brain and body acted instinctively to protect you.
Feelings of guilt after a traumatic event often stem from a sense of having failed to act differently. This guilt is compounded by societal misconceptions that submission implies consent. In reality, submission is an involuntary response designed to minimize harm.
Befriending the Peacemaker
Self-Compassion and Acceptance
It's essential to approach all parts of yourself, including The Peacemaker, with self-compassion. Recognizing the strength in each part and extending compassion to them is key to befriending them. This approach can ease tension and help these parts become less reactive and triggered.
We don’t want to get rid of these parts, as they play critical roles in moments of real threat. You need a submit response, just as you need the other defense responses. The goal is to help these parts discern real threats from triggers, allowing them to be responsive when genuinely needed.
Strategies for Managing the Submit Response
1. Identify Triggers:
- Recognize situations or people that trigger your submit response. Keep a journal to track these triggers. Understanding your triggers can help you anticipate and manage your responses better.
2. Practice Assertiveness:
- Use assertiveness techniques to express your needs and boundaries confidently. Techniques such as using "I" statements and setting clear boundaries can help you communicate your needs effectively.
3. Self-Validation:
- Practice validating your own feelings and needs, recognizing their importance. Self-validation helps you acknowledge and prioritize your emotions and requirements, which is crucial for reducing people-pleasing behaviors.
4. Seek Professional Help:
- Consider therapy to explore underlying causes of compliance and people-pleasing behaviors and learn additional coping strategies. A therapist can guide you through understanding and managing your submit response effectively.
Reflection Questions
1. What situations or people commonly trigger your submit response? Reflect on specific instances and consider keeping a journal to track these triggers.
2. How do you typically react when you feel the submit response? Notice any physical, emotional, or behavioral signs.
3. What strategies have you found helpful in managing your submit response? Think about techniques like assertiveness, self-validation, or seeking support.
Work with Me
If you find yourself constantly people-pleasing or struggling to assert your needs, I can help. As a trauma therapist specializing in EMDR, I work with clients to understand and manage their submit response effectively. Together, we can develop strategies to help you build assertiveness and validate your own needs. Contact me to schedule a session and start working towards a more empowered and balanced life.
What’s Next?
Next week, we’ll explore "The Connector" and the attach/cry response. Understanding this response will provide further insight into your behaviors and reactions.
Thank you for being here and for taking this important step. Remember, healing is a journey, and you know the way. Trust yourself.
Warmly,
Monica
Disclaimer: The information provided in this newsletter is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult your healthcare provider before making any decisions regarding your mental health. Reading this newsletter does not establish a therapeutic relationship.
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